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Satire: drinking boiling water kills the coronavirus

By Evan Lu, Staff Reporter

If you are experiencing classic symptoms of the novel coronavirus, go boil a cup of water and drink it while hot.

That’s right, chugging boiling water kills the coronavirus. Forget the useless advice from the CDC, and skip the annoying visit to the doctor’s office; there’s no need! A recent scientific experiment conducted by YouTuber Divoc Xaoh has concluded that consuming extremely hot water (preferably Deer Park, but Dasani works too), heated to the minimum boiling temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit will rid your body of COVID-19. The unqualified YouTube star explained his revolutionary findings in a recent video directed to his online cult-following.

“Ingesting water that is boiling will almost certainly flush out the coronavirus from your body. As the water travels down the esophagus, the extreme heat and flood of moisture kills the virus instantly,” Xaoh said. 

Despite mild side effects ranging from third-degree burns and the permanent inability to speak to slow and painful death, zero test subjects complained about their coronavirus symptoms following treatment, and none described the experiment as painful in the verbal survey afterwards. For those who are allergic or religiously opposed to drinking water, Xaoh suggests alternative methods of treatment.

Art by Coco Kambayashi

“Liquid nitrogen and rattlesnake venom can be used to replace the water if necessary, although they are not as effective or efficient. As a final resort, the blood of the species Homo fraternimale (commonly known as the foolish frat boy) can be used to combat the virus, as the overconfidence and naiveté of this creature naturally prevent the growth of the virus,” Xaoh said (editor’s note: foolish frat boys can be found intoxicated in their natural habitats, namely, sketchy house parties and Florida beach houses).

Although the boiling water treatment was rejected by the Food and Drug Administration for official approval, Xaoh will continue to spread his findings.

“I urge you, don’t listen to the government. Just trust me and we can survive these tough times together. Just remember, the next time you experience a fever, cough or shortness of breath, all you have to do is reach for your kettle.”

Evan Lu can be reached at [email protected]

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Evan Lu, Co-Editor-in-Chief