Ah, Halloween. The greatest holiday in the world. When else is it acceptable, even encouraged, to buy massive quantities of candy? Unfortunately, candy is unhealthy. Not because of its incredible amount of sugar and complete lack of nutritional value, of course. What makes candy unhealthy are the artificial dyes and processed (rather than cane) sugar!
I, Richie Sugarman III, CEO of AllNatural, Inc. (formerly The Vegan Candy Company), am delighted to announce that we at AllNatural have solved this problem with our latest product: Definitely Healthy Sugar Balls™! Don’t worry that the so-called experts say that our Sugar Balls are just as unhealthy as other types of candy. They’re made with natural colors and cane sugar, so they’re obviously good for you!
I skimmed an article on the health information website Healthline — I mean, did some intense research — and found that synthetic food dyes “are chemical substances that were developed to enhance the appearance of food by giving it artificial color.” Chemicals? Those are bad! The same Healthline article also states that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the European Food Safety Authority have said that artificial dyes don’t pose major health risks, but they’re wrong, as I, a CEO with absolutely no scientific background, can assure you.
Something the FDA did do right was ban Red No. 3, an artificial dye that scientists discovered caused cancer in rats, in January. Surely that must mean that Red No. 40, Yellow No. 5 and Yellow No. 6, which make up 90% of all food dyes in the U.S., are also dangerous. Never mind that, according to Baylor Scott & White Health, those three are safe when consumed in reasonable amounts — just trust me. What even is Baylor Scott & White Health anyway? One of the largest nonprofit health care systems in the nation? Pshh. No one who isn’t seeking a profit can be trusted.
Not only do Definitely Healthy Sugar Balls not contain any artificial dyes, but they are also made with cane sugar! According to a WebMD article medically reviewed by dietician Kathleen M. Zelman, cane sugar comes from sugarcane rather than sugar beets and is less processed than other types of sugar. Sugar beets sound disgusting, and processed sugar strips away all the nutrients in cane sugar. Don’t listen to “experts” like Zelman who say that cane sugar never had any nutrients in the first place and is equally as unhealthy as other types of sugar. Natural equals healthy — it’s just common sense.
It’s clear that Definitely Healthy Sugar Balls are definitely healthy. I’ve so eloquently explained the dangers of artificial dyes and processed sugar, and since those are the only two things that make candy unhealthy, by getting rid of them, you can eat as much candy as you want! Just make sure it’s AllNatural.
Eshan Singh can be reached at [email protected].
