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Satire: Why Groundhog Day rules

Hannah Gupta / The SPOKE

By Eshan Singh, Staff Reporter

On Feb. 2, the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil took the stage to inform us of our fate. If he saw his shadow, there would be six more weeks of winter. If he did not, winter would end early. The tension in the room was palpable. All eyes were glued to the TV screen. Everyone was holding their breath in anticipation. You can find scenes like this across the US and Canada. This enthusiasm shows that, without a doubt, Groundhog Day is the best holiday ever.

Some simple-minded skeptics say that Phil is not actually magical. Well if that was true, then why, according to the newspaper York Daily Record, was there a massive winter storm in 2022, the year that Phil saw his shadow?

In fact, according to meteorologist Joseph Meyer, Phil has gotten 47% of his predictions right from 1900 to 2019. Meyer claims that Phil should theoretically be right 50% of the time since he only has two options, but he is just trying to keep his job. Everyone knows that weathermen are never right, and 0% is a lot less than 47%.

No other holiday comes close to Groundhog Day. First, you have to eliminate every major holiday that does not include a magical animal, leaving Groundhog Day, Easter and Christmas.

The Easter Bunny gives eggs containing candy and chocolate to children, which is just weird. Where do the eggs come from? Does the bunny lay them? If so, why does it give what are essentially its offspring to kids?

Next is Christmas. Santa uses magical reindeer that can fly to deliver presents to children. The reindeer are not creepy like the Easter Bunny, but they are incredibly boring. Flying has got to be the most basic magical power ever. Being able to predict the weather is infinitely cooler.

Waiting for Phil to make his prediction is way more suspenseful than opening presents. There are probably some oddballs who are happier receiving something they have wanted for months than finding out that winter will end early, but I am sure they are a tiny minority.

Some people may claim that Halloween or Christmas is better because they are centered around being with your friends and family. Those people are part of the anti-Groundhog Day conspiracy. By calling Halloween and Christmas the best holidays, these people make large sums of money selling decorations and other holiday goods. Christmas is widely considered to be the best holiday, and it is no wonder why: People spend big on both decorations and presents.

The prevalence of holiday movies and music shows just how much the conspiracy has been successful in pushing the inferior holiday of Christmas on us. We must fight against this conspiracy. We all must recognize the indisputable fact that Groundhog Day is the greatest holiday ever conceived. Groundhog Day truthers unite!

Eshan Singh can be reached at [email protected].

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About the Contributor
Eshan Singh
Eshan Singh, Co-Copy Editor
Eshan Singh is a sophomore and Staff Reporter for The Spoke. He currently writes for the Opinion section but has previously written for the Sports section. He is also a member of the Conestoga Investment Club and Model UN.