By Juliana Yao, Co-Opinion Editor
Hello, valued customer! If you are like me, I am sure you have seen adults, the media or “academia” harping on and on about the effects of spending too much time on your phone and social media. Rest assured, for I am here to quell these fears. In fact, here at Keep Scrolling LLC, we believe that spending the most amount of time possible on your phone is what’s best for your satisfaction and quality of life!
You will never feel bored!
Unlimited entertainment is yours to claim — how could you ever let your mind wander when you have an infinite number of reels to watch and Block Blast high scores to beat? Boredom is a thing of the past, and as such, you will never have to worry about concepts like “curiosity” or “innovation!” The best selling fiction author of all time, Agatha Christie, cited boredom as the spark for her creative flow when writing, and my, doesn’t that sound dull! Why wait around to develop creative ideas in your own mind when you can just look at other people’s on Instagram? Leave the innovation to us and enjoy every second with your beloved apps.
Everything is easy!
You will never have to feel challenged with the ability to use ChatGPT or the internet at your fingertips! Who ever said that intellectual challenges are necessary for learning and growth? As you slowly lose the ability to refrain from turning to your phone because of its immediate accessibility, you can live academic life on easy mode without having to carry baggage like problem-solving or resilience out of school! There will be no consequences to this — that’s a Keep Scrolling Guarantee!
Feel awake without caffeine!
We often need a sip of coffee on the go to wake us up for the day ahead, requiring preparation and work. What if I told you there was an easier and more enjoyable way? Sleep medicine physician Kimberly Truong so kindly pointed out that the blue light LEDs from phone screens interfere with the ability to fall asleep, especially among younger teens and children. This means that you can feel nice and awake at 3 a.m. during your crucial developmental years, maximizing your screen time and how much your phone can in fluence your mind!
More personalized ads!
The ultimate point of spending the most time possible on your phone is not only for your personal enjoyment but also so that you can support our corporate community. We can mine more personal data from your continued use and share that with other business conglomerates. Backed by a 2024 Reuters report, this creates more personalized ads for you and allows us to train AI models on your data. We encourage you to buy our carefully curated products and services to fund our wonderful, hypercapitalist future. So, Keep Scrolling today — the happiness of your life is just one swipe away!
Possible side effects include headaches, drowsiness, loss of concentration, demotivation, social isolation, polarization, addiction, privacy and data breaches, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Keep Scrolling LLC is not liable for any harm or damage caused by adverse reactions. After all, we’re not phone-y!
Juliana Yao can be reached at [email protected].
