By Jeffrey Heng, Columnist and Co-Opinion Editor
In all the packages of Benson Boone calendars delivered to The Spoke, I have never been in so much disbelief: Where are all the photos of me?
Fact-checked by stock media company Photutorial, we capture 5.3 billion photos daily — nearly two trillion photos by the end of 2024. The fact that I have not seen my face once — not even in a 0.5 selfie — in any of these is baloney. I meet (and exceed) quite literally ALL the qualifications of being an icon.
I had my “B(rat) Summer”
I think it’s fair to say I carried the whole pop industry on my big back in every possible way. According to my Spotify Yapped, I am in the top 0.00000360% of Charli XCX listeners this year from streaming her “Brat” album 365,000 minutes a day. And as an apple on top, I’m obviously wearing the iconic greenscreen shirt all day, every day, even in the cartoon you see right there! That’s the epitome of iconic.
My top model status on Dress to Impress
If my title of “Top Model” on this Roblox dress-up game isn’t worthy of a 0.5 selfie, then I don’t know what is. Okay, perhaps I’ll admit that I’ve never “formally” won a game of DTI; my toxic trait of rating everyone one star so I can win has flopped on me many times… even though all the other divas do it. But seriously, when will I get my flowers for the effort I put in my strut and “Pose 28?” I swear I’m giving “very cute, very demure.”
I chose Hydroflasks over Stanley Cups
I don’t get it; how does one deny the fact that Hydrofacts clearly result in clear, smooth skin such as mine? Once the world sees my heaping wall collection of Hydrofacts bottles — and endorses all my totally not copy-and-paste redesigns — I’ll surely make the calendars this time.
My Brawl Stars win streak
Maybe — just maybe — if I spent just 10 more minutes in homeroom grinding on Brawl Stars, I could finally win a game. All I have to do now is have my eyes glued to the screen — at home, at school and in fanny packs — and I’ll soon be the world-record holder in Brawl Stars trophies.
Plagued by the perm-idemic
Here he goes again… Patrick Perm, the prodigy of poor reviews. Sure, you may still be a perm-truther, but I fear this hooligan will never give you a break. He thinks these permissible weaves are permitted in a 0.5 selfie such as mine. His delulu is not the solulu; I mean, have you seen Mr. Benson Boone? He is absolutely not nonchalant. Those unphotogenic monstrosities of bird nests are sure to give you permanent whiplash.
Despite all my efforts, I am yet still a flop. Even though I’ve hopped on these totally ridiculous trends, from Gru-ving out to that B(rat) album to snatching that wig in DTI to hide my bald head, I have yet to be at Mr. Benson Boone’s standard.
Life is just like that sometimes. We’re hoping for a unicorn (me), and we get a goat (Mr. Boone — the buffoon).But I know what I must do in 2025: I’ll create a new device called Photocrop, and once I crop out all my meddling minions, I’ll be Times’ Person of the Year. It will just be me, myself and I and the magnitude of my brain rot.
Jeffrey Heng can be reached at [email protected].
