By Jeffrey Heng, Staff Reporter

If some ludicrous hairstylist offers to transform your locks into a bowl of ramen, deny them immediately.

Okay, hair me out. Good Times Utah will tell you that these so-called “perms” are making a comeback. But to call them a “‘my hair but better’ vibe?” I say that’s straight-up malarkey. We’re in a perm-apocalypse, and it’s inescapable, impermeable.

Take my word when I say that this ridiculous trend should have stayed in the 80s. Nowadays, K-pop stars and Gen Z boys have taken this curly craze by storm in videos on — what was it again? TikTok? Speaking of time, this infectious disease is rapidly spreading from victim to victim: schools, backyards, fanny packs — the hordes are everywhere. It’s truly preposterous: these permanent waves have stronger bonds than permanganate.

In fact, I believe that these permissive curls are blasphemy. I mean, what kind of buffoon would believe these influencers? They are only videos, so they obviously can’t BeReal. The perms are wigs; I’m sure of it.

I guarantee you that these perms don’t possess magical powers, but they definitely do possess crazy chemicals. Even if you ask a high-profile hairstylist such as one-star-rated Patrick Perm, prodigy of poor reviews, to recreate your hairdo, your scalp will certainly not be in good hands  nor good strands. Seriously, who would want chemicals in their hair?

My father, an unlicensed barber and CEO of Buzz Cuts 4ever Inc., fosters a community of well-renowned buzz cuts. To put it quite plainly, we don’t permit suspicious substances from the perm outbreak in our establishment! We will gladly stick to our uses of unsanitary shampoos, smelly spray and sue-worthy razors. After all, we’re anti-perm, not anti-germ!

Only hooligans would set themselves up for long-term humility to get these kinds of whack haircuts. I guess this may resolve long-awaited endeavors of departing from basic locks of hair that our generation so desperately needs — but to no avail, because they will end up looking like bird nests. Just take a look at those inflicted with perms around you: cuckoos, that’s all I can see.

These Gen Z-ers are attempting to create a new revolution with these comical wigs. But you see, the prices of these perms are enough to make someone go hair-sterical. I simply refuse to listen to this new set of perms and conditions.

Whatever this movement is, it does not make the cut for the greatest impact in the hairdressing industry. We must put an end to this tomfoolery. Why is it that these shaggy waves take the spotlight while buzz cuts remain under scrutiny? Take these shears, and we’ll convert to a society of freshly shaved buzz cuts. We’ll rally till they hear the snipping of our shears, and we’ll echo endlessly: “No permutation without representation!”

Jeffrey Heng can be reached at [email protected].