By Sophia Pan, Reese Wang and Katherine Lee, Editors-in-Chief
From: Gimmick University
Bcc: Every other high school senior in the nation
Subject: You’ve been selected to apply to our school!
Date: Nov. 22, 2021, 3:48 a.m.
Dear Connie,
It’s a great time to be a student at Gimmick University, but your time is almost up. The deadline is rapidly approaching, and we want YOU — yes, you, a nonymous student we only know about through test scores and mailing lists — to apply to Gimmick University. Come be our special snowflake: We are unique. You are also unique. We want to hear from you!
Here are our application requirements, due on Nov. 1 for Early Decision, to which we just know you are zealously applying for. We know that our deadline has already passed, but it’s not too late to apply!
- A 5,000-word Why Us essay: Tell us why YOU want to dedicate your entire life to OUR school!
- A 10-character description of your favorite pizza
- A 1,000-word What Major essay: From our extensive list of two majors, tell us what YOU want to study at our school! (We will prepare you for any career! Did you know that our students go on to become everything from adults to senior citizens?)
Here are more reasons to choose Gimmick:
Our campus has been specially designed for your success! We have new buildings, dining halls and a student center. How do we stand out from every other school in this country? Well, we have a curriculum and courses and professors. And bagels!
Not just that, but Gimmick will meet 100% of your demonstrated financial need! Even though we rake in exactly no money every year and offer a grand total of zero scholarships of any kind, don’t worry about your wallet. In fact, we’ll even toss in a special offer: click HERE to claim your 5% application fee waiver!
We know you’re the perfect fit for us, even though we don’t know you and you haven’t submitted your application yet. But that can be fixed NOW if YOU submit your application TODAY!
Visit our website, linked HERE, to register for our one-of-a-kind college tour in the heart of our one-of-a-kind college town and our stimulating information sessions where we rehash information that can be found on the aforementioned website.
Abracadabra,
[Gimmick University logo]
P.S. To join our vibrant, mesmerizing and super unique community, head to the Be-A-Gimmickan Portal to submit your application! After 3-5 business days, we will send you a link to your very own MyGimmickan account, where all you need to do is manually re-type all of your grades, courses, test scores, activities, honors and information dating all the way back to fifth grade.
(REMINDER: we do not accept any applications from the Common App. We’re quirky like that!)
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Sophia Pan can be reached at [email protected].
Reese Wang can be reached at [email protected].
Katherine Lee can be reached at [email protected].
