The Spoke Editorial Board voted unanimously 14-0 in favor of this article.
Valentine’s Day this, lovey-dovey stuff that. BOR-ing! Don’t you ever get tired of happy relationships? Here’s how to kill one in 18 easy, foolproof steps:
- Go out to a fancy restaurant for date night, order the most expensive thing on the menu and conveniently “forget” your wallet. Do this every single time. Make your partner’s pockets hurt! They’ll love it.
- Play so hard to get that they think you despise them. I mean, who doesn’t love constant rejection, right? You should expect them to pursue you forever because their life revolves around you.
- Stand them up. Plan elaborate, well-thought-out dates and then simply don’t show up. They’ll definitely fall for you that way.
- Lie to get them to like you. Who cares about trust? You can be who you want to be, and that includes identity theft and impersonation.
- Never compliment, only criticize. In fact, insult them and call them weird and derogatory names on the daily. Make sure you’re extra condescending. The best basis for a relationship is obviously a foundation of feeling awful about yourself and not feeling loved by your partner at all.
- Constantly compare them to your ex. Nothing will make your partner feel special like being told they’re inferior to a partner you had in the past. For good measure, you should often make remarks about wishing you were still together with an ex-partner instead of your current one.
- Argue for the sake of arguing. Your relationship will be fortified by all the time you spend slinging shots at each other over completely insignificant things with no rhyme or reason.
- Don’t let them have any friends that aren’t you. Controlling and manipulative is the only way to go. Platonic affection does not exist. In fact, as far as your partner is concerned, no one exists except for you.
- Don’t let them speak unless spoken to, and don’t let them say a single word you don’t like. Employ the loud shushing method, and glare them down every time they try to get a word in edgewise.
- Threaten to break up with them every time they do anything you don’t like. They will love having your relationship used as a bargaining chip, and it will make your partner feel very secure in your love for them.
- Force them to change to fit your standards. Everything in your relationship must be about you. Autonomy? Having their own personality? Compromise? Absolutely not. Your partner should be just like a programmable mannequin — 100% customizable and completely under your control.
- Don’t communicate about anything. Ever. Once you say yes to the relationship status, you gain the ability to read your partner’s mind. There’s no need to ask about anything anymore. You know what’s best for them. The mind isn’t THAT complicated.
- Snoop through all their stuff without permission and for no reason. It’s your human right to be as intrusive and nosy as you want. What’s privacy?
- Manipulate and gaslight them. Convincing them that they cannot even trust themselves and that they can only trust you is how you show that you respect them as a person and how you cultivate a healthy relationship.
- Blame and shame. When anything goes wrong, from bad weather to that bad driver who cut you off this morning, blame it on your partner, even if — especially if — you know it’s not their fault. Then, shame them for things they had no hand in. That’s called respect and good communication.
- Cheat on them. Make sure to cheat on them while you’re still in the relationship instead of just breaking up. You’re in the right here. Clearly.
- Break up over text (after cheating, of course). Nothing says I respect you and the time we spent together like a single “we’re over” message. And make sure to decline all calls and refuse to provide any closure: the only breakup better than a text message is ghosting them completely.
- Stalk them after you break up. In fact, take a page out of Colton Underwood’s book and be such a creep that they file a restraining order against you!
