By Sophia Pan, Co-Managing Editor
Note: This is a satirical article meant to humorously express or condone exaggerated opinions.
Wake up, sheeple: COVID-19 isn’t real.
The New York Times will tell you that, as of Feb. 16, over 487,000 Americans have died from COVID-19, but I say it’s all hogwash. All these lizard-people will tell you that it’s all about the health of “The Puhblick,” but I don’t know who that is, and I don’t care. No one I know personally has died from COVID-19, so it simply can’t be real!
Recently, I heard through a clickbait article that my Uncle Nick posted on Facebook that some weird little druggy company — what was it again? P-visor? Must be some sketchy little indie company — made a vaccine for COVID-19. Even if you mindless riffraff believe the hoax, I, an unqualified naysayer, am here to tell you why that vaccine is no good.
For starters, you have no idea what’s in it! Disregard how the Michigan Health Lab says the first two vaccines to hit the market contain only “snippets of genetic material, salt, sugar and fat” and that the other vaccines in development will contain “weakened or inactive forms of ‘common cold’ viruses, and substances commonly found in many vaccines.” I won’t be getting the vaccine because I only allow the purest of materials, like Kraft singles and hot dogs and Red Bull and Twinkies and day-old French fries that I dropped on the pavement behind McDonald’s, to enter my body.
My cousin Ricky said that the vaccines have got itty-bitty little microchips in them (because microchips that are small enough to fit into vaccine injection needles definitely exist) and that the government will use them to track us. That’s an outrage! The government should only be allowed to track me through Facebook, Google, my smartphone, my web browser, my social security number and my computer that is protected by the uber-secure password “Password123.”
See, I don’t trust these phoney “medical experts” with their “actual degrees” over my own bonafide, 20/200 eyeballs. I’m anti-vax, not anti-facts! That 10-minute Bing search I did makes me way more qualified to speak on the vaccine than some dingy old doctor or researcher. After all, it’s not like the COVID-19 vaccines have gone through multiple rounds of careful evaluation in clinical trials spanning tens of thousands of participants, and they certainly haven’t been authorized by actual regulators who know what they’re talking about.
Just weigh the pros and cons of getting the COVID-19 vaccine.
Pro: prompting an immune system response to COVID-19 without having to experience sickness (which doesn’t matter because it’s all a hoax).
Pro: greatly reducing the chances of getting COVID-19 and greatly reducing the odds of becoming seriously ill if you do catch COVID-19 (which doesn’t matter, again, because it’s all a hoax).
Pro: protecting the people around me, especially those who might be at risk (which still doesn’t matter because I don’t care about them, and it’s all a hoax).
Pro: flattening the curve and safely ending this pandemic once and for all (which doesn’t matter because I haven’t been taking any precautions to begin with since it’s all a hoax).
Con: becoming a member of the rabble who believe that COVID-19 is actually real and worth taking seriously.
Clearly, getting the vaccine is a bad idea.
Open your eyes, pleb. Don’t get the COVID-19 vaccine. It’s all a hoax anyway… I’m positive.
