By Ian Ong, Managing Editor
As the glob of dirt we call Earth revolves around the vicious plasma seas of the Sun for the umpteenth time, people worldwide pledge to become better people in the form of New Year’s Resolutions. From losing weight to spending more time with friends and family, resolutions come in all shapes and sizes and from all types of people. For instance, my dentist pledged to start giving out candy to patients (it’s done wonders for business!). I was ecstatic to hear that my brother had boldly committed himself to stop drawing ketchup smileys on my toast every morning. And now that you mention it, my dog has nobly pledged to quit chewing up my Cajun CD collection! Isn’t that right, doggie?!
Anywho, resolutions have truly become a synchronized and reliable cultural event across the globe. Naturally, this would lead one to wonder: just what is it about the Earth’s circular motion that so consistently and completely changes people’s personalities? Maybe the thought of buying a brand-new calendar excites some folks. Or it’s possible that each year some cosmic entity flicks the “wishful thinking” switch on the computer powering our simulated world. Or perhaps the guilt from gluttonous Christmas dinners finally catches up with people!
Whatever the reason, the fact is that people are making resolutions at a rate that puts the United Nations to shame. That is not to say, however, that people actually go through with these rapid-fire promises.
New Year’s Resolutions these days are as fleeting and ephemeral as Snapchats. Back in the black-and-white-era, resolutions meant something. These days, youngins and teens alike manage to break their New Year’s promises before the fireworks even end. In fact, the last time a “resolution” was ever any good was when Congress passed the War Powers Resolution back in ’73.
In the end, resolutions are completely arbitrary. And it’s not like people even go through with their own lofty decrees! Even the mighty War Powers Resolution was broken just 26 years later, when Clinton sent troops to Kosovo! That’s why I’ve decided to rise above this resolution-making madness.
While all of you guys sweat and struggle for self improvement, I’ve come up with a paradigm of my own: “New Year, Same Me!”
Now, before you decry me as some godless, goalless heathen — hear me out. Abstinence from resolution-making has its benefits.
Oh, I hear you’re trying to keep your hand outta that cookie jar? More for me, I guess!
Starting a weekly workout regimen at the gym? Watching your pain brings me mirth!
Attempting to quit cigarettes? Hey, it’s about time — vaping is the future!
While everyone is out there kicking themselves to say “hello” to people and remember their co-workers names for more than a day, the only resolution I’ll be concerned with is the resolution of my TV screen. And best of all? You too can live life like me!
Ridding yourself of resolutions is so easy, anyone could do it! Say it with me, “New Year, Same Me.” It helps if you say it with a cheeky smile. That’s right, show those gompers!
Take it from me, a guy who’s lived through 17 consecutive New Years: in this time of empty promises and careless resolutions, the only way to win is simply not to play.
Ian can be reached at email@example.com.